Why I go, and keep going....

Ok, so I apologize for my delay in blogging, especially when after writing my first blog I was literally moved to tears at the messages, comments, and phone calls that I received with others that wanted someone to hear there story. I truly believe that the human connection makes all the difference between feeling like a failure (agaaain) and success. So truly, thank you.

I also took some time to decide WHAT I wished this next post to be about and I decided that I wanted to share three stories with you. Two stories of WHY this change needed to happen and the last as a reason to inspire and KEEP GOING. 
I share these first two stories because although they are embarrassing and I will never be able to forget the wrecked feeling of these moments they speak to the human experience. WEIGHT IS A HUMAN STRUGGLE. Its become this shitty taboo thing and these internal messages just spread within us and make matters worse. So here they go, they are coming out cuz they've got no power over me ANYMORE. boom ;)

Once upon a time, I agreed to do a Tough Mudder... thanks to some pushy friends and my sense of adventure (oooor lack of insight) I was committed to this feat. I can write a whole blog on that experience another day but I'll skip to the punchline and tell you that within the first 3 miles of the race, my pants caught a snag and literally started disappearing before my very eyes... annnnnd crotch. 

It started in the inner thigh, what I will refer to as the 'Chub Rub' section and quickly traveled to both legs. So there I was, running, muddy with my legs and underwear absolutely exposed. Mind you, I dont even go to the beach without some solid bottom coverups. The pain was EXCRUICIATING and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Now I could speculate the reasons that this happened... old workout pants... Tough Mudders are the devs.... My big thighs creating too much friction.. doesn't matter because there I was trying to climb walls and complete and all I could think about was how people were looking at me. No matter what they were thinking, nothing could have been crueler than my thoughts. And there I stood, hating my body. The story ends with my finding a pair of Womens Medium shorts, squeezing into them, and finishing. Heres whats left of the original capris.  

My second story takes place in the spectacular land of Cancun, Mexico. Again my fabulous friends and I were up for some adventure and planned a girls only getaway. On the agenda was an awesome spa day at the resort. Whenever we arrived we were given locker keys and escorted to this magical retreat. 

We quickly grab our big plushy robes and get ready for zen when holy shit mine is like toddler sized and leaves me completely exposed. I attempt to brush it off and just kept my towel underneath and my lovely friends offered to switch me but honestly I was afraid that it would fit them fine. I just kept it on and tried to quiet my thoughts that were spewing at me. Luckily as we were leaving the dressing room an employee offered me a robe that fit me much better. Now again, can I make excuses.. blame the robe.. speculate I'm too tall... blah blah blah yes sure but that doesn't unthink those thoughts. Those thoughts of me being uncomfortable in my body. That is when I knew that a change needed to happen. My life needed to be more focused on loving my body. 

On this trip, I was the heaviest I'd ever been. I only wished I had realized this and started SOONER because since starting this journey (JULY 2014) I have had experiences that have brought me HAPPY TEARS and better yet, HAPPY THOUGHTS.

I want to leave you with one of those moments, small victories and what some people call NSV - Non Scale Victories because these are THE BEST my friends. 

So I was at Macy's looking for some new jeans and found a cute pair of colored jeans in the Women's (Plus) section. They were a size 16 and 'curvy fit' and more importantly at the moment on clearance for $12. So I take my stack of clothes that I was just ehh about to the dressing room and save these bad boys for last just knooowing that they would make me feel what my thoughts have been telling me for years. You can see where this story is going, I slip them on and holy cow they slide up my leg, up over my butt and ?!?!?!?! BUTTON no crazy squats or lunges or contortion moves?!?! Ok that alone that made me stare at the reflection in the mirror way longer than necessary but I was Oh Em Gee thrilled. Now heres the best part, I leave the fitting room and stop the attendant and inquire if there are any more of these jeans because they fit so well. She looks at the tag and asks me where I found them, I tell her and she kind of smiles and says 'Oh dear, you wont find them over there, these are a misses brand and size". Yep, that was the moment everyone... that gentle nod from the Plus section to the Womens was the affirmation that I am doing something. Doing something that matters, and makes me feel good about myself. I'm so blessed that I am able to share these moments with my friends that support this journey!!!    If I can do it, so can you!  Heres my sweet pants FYI. Feel free to follow, post, and share. Thanks all, Happy Holidays!